Why I Am Good Enough

by Mark Ivar Myhre on July 21, 2006

Here I sit at the river house working with LOVE and CHOICE.

I will never give up!

…and maybe that’s the problem.

Because I’m here at the river house so that I CAN give up. Give up the lie. Give up the little story.  My little story of victim and martyr and pain.

My little story that says I have to struggle because I’m not good enough… not really.  I don’t REALLY have what it takes to live my dream. I’m not REALLY good enough. And I know it.

Most of the time I refuse to look at it or think about it or feel the devastating impact it has on me. Or the impact it has on others.  My little story – written down in a little book – written by a little person.

“I’m a victim.”

“The world’s out to get me.”

“I can’t trust anybody.”

It seems endless – the little lies I tell myself.  Maybe here, in the wilds of Oregon, miles from the nearest gas station or convenience store…



Accessible only by crossing an old wooden bridge supported by old railroad steel…  With no sides and a steep drop to a cold shallow creek, you’d think that bridge would weed out the drunks who somehow might come calling.

But the hairpin turn you must maneuver before you even GET to the bridge takes care of that!

You’d almost think it was a lonely place, if not for the river.

Beautiful flowing water of the river that starts in the Cascade Mountains of central Oregon.

How can you feel 'not good enough' with a view like this from your backyard?

It races by like a superhighway. Why does it go so fast?  What’s the hurry? It’s just going to die. It’s just going to merge with the Pacific Ocean in another few hours.

Would the water race so fast if it knew? Would the river water rush to meet the sea if it knew it would no longer be a river?

The current moves fast. It appears to be moving faster than I can walk.  I could run along beside it, but for how long?  And would the water even listen to me?  (Why should it? I’m not even good enough.)

“You’re gonna die!”

“You’re gonna die!”

“You’re gonna die!”

And then I remember – it’s my little story that needs to die.



Maybe it’s me who needs to hear the message. Maybe I’m the one who should listen –

“Let go of the little story!”

“Let go of the little story!”

“Let go of…”

“You ARE good enough!”

“You ARE!”

“You can’t change that.”

You’re good enough because you’re loved unconditionally by your Creator.

You’re loved when you act good. You’re loved when you act bad. You’re loved when you REALLY act bad.

You’re loved when you don’t do anything at all. You’re loved when you wake up. You’re loved when you sleep. You’re loved when you’re in the bathroom.

You’re loved always – all times and all places.

That’s what makes you good enough.  That’s what makes ME good enough.  I try not to think about it.

Besides, I got a little story that says I’m NOT good enough.  I wear it like a tattered, smelly old worn-out blanket.  It keeps me safe. (That’s part of the lie.)

But why should I give it up anyway?  What guarantee do I have that things will be better?

“Better the devil you know…” than the angel you don’t know.  (That’s also part of the lie.)

It’s insidious.  Maybe because I’ve invested so much into my little story.  And that investment can be found in the neurological pathways in my brain.

When a bunch of brain cells start working together, forming neurological pathways, it‘s called a schema.

A schema is a set of brain cells that hold together a certain memory.

You’ve got a schema for doorknobs. You know what a doorknob is, you know what it’s for, you know how to use one. Even if you come to a brand new door – one you’ve never seen before – you know how to work the doorknob.

Because you’ve got a schema for doorknobs.

Well, I’ve got a schema that says I’m not good enough.  No matter where I go, no matter what new situation I encounter, I have a schema that fits in.

Your schema for doorknobs lets you go anywhere in the world and open doors – effortlessly, easily – without even thinking about it!

My schema for ‘not-good-enough’ lets me go anywhere in the world and open doors also. I can be a victim anywhere in the world because of my schema.

I can be not good enough at the drop of a hat – anywhere, anytime, anyplace – thanks to my schema.  (Or schemas – since I’ve got a few!)

I moved to this isolated place on the McKenzie River in the wilds of Oregon to GET RID OF those schemas. But, by definition, going to any physical location will not – CAN not – change or modify an existing schema.

Damn. Why didn’t I think of that before? I just signed a year’s lease for this little house on the big river.



I thought the river would wash away my schemas and make me a new man. Strong. Powerful. Able to leap tall buildings…

And now I remember that a physical location doesn’t affect my schemas. Guess I’ll have to figure out another way to end my little story and start feeling good enough.

What will I think of next?

Stay tuned.

(And why does the river move so fast?)

all the best,

Mark

Mark Ivar Myhre
The Emotional Healing Coach
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{ 4 comments }

bleuyonder2 July 26, 2006 at 6:07 am

the river moves so fast because that's how you perceive it. "fast" is a relative concept. there are many other ways to see the river, your life…try to see them. expand your perception. the river is there to teach you something new. you went there, not to escape your lies, but to realize something new. nevermind(literally)the lies. look for, focus on finding that new, bigger picture of the river, your life. (what you put your attention on grows stronger in your life, you keep saying. do you practice what you preach?) see the river as fast, and it's fast. see the river as cleansing, and it's cleansing. see the river as…and remember, you are only seeing one section of the river, your life. no doubt, there are sections elsewhere, that would seem to move at different speeds at different times. keep your life flowing…like the river. and if you haven't yet gone for a dip in the river, well…it's just there, waiting for you to join in the flow. now that's another way to see the river…it's waiting for you to receive the gifts it has to offer you…waiting…waiting…it doesn't sound like that river is moving very fast, at all, to me…

magdalena July 26, 2006 at 7:00 am

Mark
This seems to be a new Mark. I like him even more.

Love
Magdalena

jpacker@verizon.net July 26, 2006 at 8:33 am

Mark,

Never posted to you before … and who knows, out here in cyberspace I may be a dog, paws on the keyboard,(think border collie — herding, herding my wild inner sheep.) But in reading about your river and seeing the gorgeous photo I flashed on this quote from a Hopi Elder:

"You have been telling the people that this is the eleventh hour, now you must go back and tell the people that this is the hour. And there are things to be considered…

Where are you living?
What are you doing?
What are your relationships?
Are you in right relation?
Where is your water?
Know your garden.
It is time to speak your Truth.
Create your community.
Be good to each other.
And do not look outside yourself for the leader".

And then he clasped his hands together, smiled, and said, "This could be a good time! There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart and will suffer greatly.

"Know the river has its destination. The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above the water.

"And I say, see who is in there with you and celebrate. At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally, least of all ourselves. For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt.

"The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves!

"Banish the word struggle from your attitude and your vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.

"We are the ones we have been waiting for."

Oraibi, Arizona
Hopi Nation

So what a blessing that your river runs swiftly and is not a stagnant, rotting marsh (with the bloated bodies of dead Tingleberrys popping up). You are the river and you are flowing quickly becoming all the while the most brilliant person you were meant to be. Namaste, Juliet

Carol March 16, 2010 at 10:58 pm

It’s so cool that you would admit to feeling those things and then share it with a world of people.

Carol

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