"I Struggle With Blame"

by Mark Ivar Myhre on August 28, 2006

or – “I Blame My Struggle”

Two of my main anchors in life used to be blame
and struggle.

Blame. You’d almost think it was hard-wired into
the body. It seems to be a need – like the need for
safety, security and belonging.

These days, everywhere you look someone’s
blaming someone else for one thing or another.

Remember hurricane Katrina last year? Oh, the
blame! And now, with war and rumors of more
war – the blame is flying thick and heavy.

Well, I was blaming long before the latest Middle
Eastern war, or the 2005 hurricane season.

I grew up on blame. As one of seven children,
blame was a knee-jerk reaction. It seemed as
natural as picking on your little sister.



“Who left the milk out on the counter without
putting it away?!”

“Not me.”

“Not me.”

“Not me.”

“It was Paul.”

“Bruce did it.”

“Jill.”

“Mark.”

I quickly forgot (or did I ever really know?) the
heart-felt joy of true responsibility and replaced
it with the lie that ‘responsibility equals blame‘.

Blame. It’s everywhere. For many, it’s become
an art. Ever see a comedian take a prop – some
ordinary item like a pencil – and make up jokes
about it?

That’s the way many approach blame. Just throw
‘em a topic – anything – and they’ll find someone
to blame for it.

Nowhere is this more evident than in politics and
the media, but it extends way beyond these two
arenas.

It extends into our own hearts and minds and
indeed becomes part of the very foundation we
stand upon. It’s an addiction that seems to have
literally intertwined with our DNA.

We all do it from time to time. But for some (or
many) it’s become a way of life. A day without
blame becomes a day without sunshine.

But what happens when we blame?

First, we get a cheap hit of power. For a moment
we get to feel better than the object of our blame.
We get a smugness, a ’rightness’.

But it never lasts, does it? Whatever satisfaction
you feel quickly leaves. And like the addict, we
must soon blame again. And again. Even if it’s
only to replay the same statements over and over
like a broken record.



For many, it truly becomes an addiction. As real
as any chemical substance.

What else happens?

We give up our power. We lose power when we
blame. It becomes locked up in the object of our
blame.

Now, the other person who you’re blaming can’t
use your power. They don’t even know about it.
It’s not theirs anyway. It’s yours.

But you lose access to it.

It’s like taking money out of your own pocket and
putting it into an escrow account that nobody can
touch.

Blame costs you. It takes something of value
from you. It’s always a net loss. You’re losing
something when you blame.

It’s like you have less money to spend when you
blame. You have less access to resources. Your
decision-making ability suffers. Your choices
pack less of a punch; they carry less impact.

It takes energy to blame. It takes even more
energy to hold that blame in place, like holding
a heavy object in your hands.

Blame also slows down the healing process. All
blame is ultimately sourced in pain. By blaming,
you’re guaranteed to keep the pain alive. Often
by hiding it under the blame. And by not dealing
with the pain, the healing can’t happen.

Blame makes you think you’re doing something
about the problem.

“It’s the oil companies!”

“There, I did my part to end the problem of global
warming.”

Blame pushes the problem further away from you.
It creates a gap, a space, between you and your
issue.

It separates you. And creating separation with
anything – without taking additional steps – will
never end any problem.

As an example – blaming your parents for your
problems will never resolve your current issues.

Now, you can certainly recognize and acknowledge
that perhaps they really were horrible, rotten, terrible
people, and then take further action such as
healing the pain they caused. But if you get stuck
in the blame, you won’t likely heal anything.

Blame confuses the issue. It creates a fog that
hides the solution. In the above example, you can
START by blaming your parents, just don’t get
stuck there.

FEEL the blame, if it’s there. Feel it as intensely
as you possibly can.

AND THEN LET IT GO as completely as you
can. That way you won’t get stuck in blame, and
you can start healing the damage from those
awful parents. (If that’s the issue.)

While blame – by itself – never improves any
situation, it can be a stepping stone.



Finally, holding on to blame makes it much more
likely you’ll struggle in life.

Struggle. Like blame, we all do it to one degree
or another, at one time or another. It’s hard to
struggle without blaming someone or something.

Blame locks the struggle in place. (With nothing
to blame, it becomes much harder to find the
need to struggle.) Release the blame to help lessen
the struggle in your life.

***

Bottom line:

1. Blame hurts you and impedes your growth in many
ways. Those who love to blame and point the finger
at others often refuse to look at themselves.

Cynical of everything but their own cynicism, their
blame leads to even greater delusional thinking.

2. If you absolutely must blame, at least blame yourself.

3. Use your blame as a stepping stone rather than a
hiding place. When you find yourself blaming, give
yourself permission to first feel the blame as
intensely as possible and then to release it as
completely as possible.

Then you can more effectively deal with the issue at hand.

all the best,

Mark

Mark Ivar Myhre
The Emotional Healing Coach
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