How To Heal The Pain Caused By Others

by Mark Ivar Myhre on December 21, 2006


What happens when you’ve been wronged by
another and you want to move on? How do you
let it go – get on with your life – and make sure
it doesn’t happen again?

Right now you may be in some sort of a mental
prison. There may be a lot of resentment and
other similar feelings. And what you’re feeling
now – the bitterness, the resentment, the anger, the
hurt; WILL influence your future relationships.

Bitterness only leads to more bitterness. Hurt
leads to more hurt.

The short answer is that you forgive yourself
for attracting them into your life – so you don’t
have to continue to carry the burden around
and so that you don’t repeat the same experience
with another person.

You forgive yourself for ALLOWING it to
happen – not for causing it to happen.

Forgiveness is a way to clear out those old
feelings from the past so you will be better able
to believe in yourself and trust yourself.

Not to mention you’ll be wiser and more perceptive.

But are you responsible for what they did?

No, absolutely not. You don’t forgive yourself to
make them ‘not guilty’. You created your reality
and they created theirs.

And the realities overlapped.

A cheater is basically that way before you meet them.

A betrayer is a betrayer before they come into your life.

The question is – why did I attract someone like
this into my life?

Of course you didn’t KNOW they would cheat or
betray you when you first met them. But then, maybe
there were little hints and clues you ignored. I don’t

The point is, you CHOSE to allow them into your
life. You allowed it to happen.

That ‘allowing’ is your responsibility; something you
can forgive yourself for.

The value of forgiving yourself is

first of all, it’s empowering to accept responsibility
for YOUR contribution. Yes, I understand you
were wronged. They engaged in hurtful behavior
that was unjustified.

By forgiving yourself, you don’t say their behavior
was acceptable. On some level, they must ‘pay’
for what they did. But that’s not your business.
(I understand many try to make it their business!)

But you would be much more productive by dealing
with YOUR contribution to these events. And not
worrying about their contribution.

“They’ll get theirs.”

But look at the damage it does to YOU by not
forgiving yourself.

Maybe you don’t believe in yourself anymore.

Maybe you don’t trust yourself to make good

Maybe your self-confidence is lacking.

Maybe you’re carrying around a ton of pain.

And I would guess many other problems as well
have come up because you’ve been wronged.

Forgiving yourself can heal the damage they caused.

Also, you don’t let someone ‘off the hook’ by
forgiving yourself for what they did.


Sorry to shout, but I want to make that point clear.
By forgiving yourself, you empower yourself. You
free yourself from your own private prison of pain.

Forgiveness is a strength; it empowers you.

Secondly, forgiveness opens the door to change
so you can truly move on and be free

By not forgiving yourself, you are not honoring or
respecting yourself. You’re saying you don’t matter.

Forgiveness creates freedom. Forgiveness is
liberating. Forgiveness is a positive, pro-active
decision. It’s a deliberate choice from a position
of power and responsibility.

It’s an act of character and integrity. It takes courage.
I admit it’s not easy to be kicked by someone and
then forgive YOURSELF for being kicked. Because,
“It’s not me – I didn’t do this! It’s THEM!! They’re
the bad ones!”

But finding your own contribution to being kicked
is like finding a foothold to greater power and greater
strength. You will become ‘more’ if you forgive
yourself for being wronged.

It takes enormous courage to let go of the blame. So
often we seek our strength in blame. We anchor to it.
And the thing is, we really are justified to blame!

We really WERE wronged. Nobody would deny that.
It’s obvious.

But what I’m saying is to go beyond the obvious. If
blame really did solve problems, what a wonderful
world this would be!

But blame doesn’t solve problems. In fact, it locks
those problems in place.

The trap is, you really are justified in blaming. But
if you do, it keeps those painful feelings in place.
You can’t grow and stretch and reach for more in
life when you’re blaming.

It’s like putting your feelings in the freezer. And then
you have to tote that freezer around with you every
where you go.

Blame is like being seduced by a beautiful woman
with a hidden agenda. You think she really does like
you when all she wants is your money.

If you know her game, you can easily resist. If you
turn a blind eye, you’ll get taken.

You think blame is your friend, but really all it
wants is your power. You must give up your power
to blame.

I know it doesn’t seem that way, because we always
get a cheap hit of power when we blame. But it
never lasts.

It’s like spending on credit. There’s no problem until
the payment comes due!

But to me, the biggest benefit of forgiving myself for
being wronged by another is that it helps to ensure
that it doesn’t happen again.
“I’ve suffered enough. I
don’t want to go through the same situation again.”

But if I don’t forgive, then most likely I WILL repeat
the same mistakes again. Or else, I’ll try not to love
anyone else for the rest of my life. Which is almost

More likely, since I haven’t explored the reasons
WHY I created a hurtful person into my life, I’ll
create another hurtful person into my life.

Then I’ll have to go through the same pain again.

Just thinking about that is depressing!

You want to live a better life, not repeat the pain
of the past.

Forgiveness helps to make things better. So next
time, you’ll have a better chance of finding
someone who’ll treat you with respect.

Because you respected yourself enough to
forgive YOURSELF for what THEY did.

You forgave yourself for YOUR contribution;
because you played a part in what happened.

You are not a spectator in your life.

You’re not a helpless victim.

You created what happened.

Not by causing, but by allowing.

You allowed another to hurt you.

Now, you will turn it into something good by
changing yourself.

And the way to change is by recognizing what
happened, feeling the impact of what happened,
and forgiving yourself for why you let it happen
in your life. Here’s how:

And later, if you choose to forgive them as well,
that’s great. But always forgive yourself first –
as an acknowledgment to yourself that YOU
are in charge of your life – not them.

Why didn’t they go ruin someone else’s life instead
of trying to ruin yours? You may never know.

But the fact is, you let them in, they betrayed you,
and now you’re left to pick up the pieces.

Okay, you will.

You’ll be a winner. You’ll take their sucker punch
to your gut, and you’ll become a better person. Not
a bitter, beaten loser. You’ll take the pain they tried
to dump on you and use it to become strong and

You’ll find the good in their act of wrongness.

While they will in all likelihood continue to be a
punishing person.

Maybe someday you’ll forgive them for their
misdeeds, but for now you’re ready to grow and
heal and move on. Here’s how:

Remember the old saying –

Living Well Is The Best Revenge!

Forgiveness can be that first step to living well.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: