More Advice For The Lovesick

by Mark Ivar Myhre on March 14, 2007

.
(This page is a continuation of another article on
advice for the lovesick
.)

To oversimplify, the goal of any loving relationship is to
allow love to evolve.

To allow love to evolve, you must reach the state of
‘being loved’.

Being loved means you’re willing to change because of
the love you feel from another.

So ultimately, you absolutely DO want to feel the love
that comes from another person, or another source,
such as divine love.

But most people are miles away from that. For one
simple reason – they don’t yet feel their own love.

First, you feel your own love. Then you can feel the
love from another.

It’s easy to get it backwards.

“I can’t love myself until someone else loves me.”

Which never works.

Here’s why:

You must first create a space – a receptacle – some
sort of place to PUT that love from the other.

It all starts in childhood.

Children believe they don’t receive enough love.

Because they lack the ability to process all the love
they do receive.



We were never taught how to process love (or any
other emotion, for that matter!) and so often the love
goes unrecognized and unrealized.

It’s not that we weren’t loved – but rather we didn’t
know how to FEEL that love.

We were never taught the SKILL of properly handling
our feelings.

Beyond the lack of skill, children also lack the ABILITY
to absorb all the love that comes their way.

Here comes ten pounds of love from mother – but I
can only catch a pound and a half.

No matter how much love mother showers on me, I
just can’t absorb it. A sponge can only absorb so
much water. A glass can only hold so much liquid.

Mother’s pitcher of love may hold a gallon, but the
child’s cup can only hold half a pint.

In a healthy childhood, that cup – that receptacle of
love – would increase with age. As a child grows, so
the capacity to receive love grows.

But who really has a healthy childhood?

Almost everyone experienced a shameful childhood
instead. Parents usually adopt the role of subhuman
behavior – through deplorable actions – or else they
adopt the role of superhuman behavior – and hold
their children to impossible standards.

Either way, the child ends up feeling defective and
flawed – that they’re some sort of mistake which
can’t be fixed.

One of the many, many problems with shame is the
lack of the ability to process love and other emotions
in a healthy way.

Which leads us back to today’s topic – advice for the
lovesick or heartbroken. (You can find part one of this
topic here.

The best way I could describe it is that it resembles a
small child who can’t be around it’s mother.



Mother is everything to a small child. It feels overwhelming
when separation occurs, even for a short time. Because
*everything* is overwhelming to a child. And because mother
holds so much importance.

Children are hard-wired to feel everything INTENSELY.
It comes natural to them. Because by feeling intensely,
and then letting go of that intensity, you grow and change
and become more of yourself.

When you process your feelings in this way, you use
them as fuel. But when everyone in the world around you
believes (and is willing to die for the belief) that feelings
are bad and wrong and must be avoided at all costs…

…it lays the groundwork for serious problems.

One problem – you can go an entire lifetime and never
know the wonder of being loved.
Because you never
learned how to hold love – to process love – to feel any
sort of depth to love.

You can spend a lifetime searching outside of yourself
for love.

And you’ll never be fulfilled.

And these words can be read, but never really fully
understood.

“Wow, Mark, that sounds great! I love what you’ve
written.”

But you’ll go right back to looking for love outside
yourself…

That’s the potential danger.

Searching for ‘the’ source of love outside yourself
guarantees you’ll feel pain.

First you find your source of love inside, then you can
join with another to share the love you both feel.

The source of your love is within you. The object – or
the focus of your love – can be outside you.

The lovesick or brokenhearted person basically has
two problems – ending the pain they’re currently feeling,
and finding the source of love within themselves.

The pain is there because we’ve blocked our natural
ability to feel love and all our other emotions.

Today’s pain seems overwhelming because one or more
instances of feeling overwhelmed (which usually
happens in early childhood) are still locked into us.

It compares to post-traumatic stress disorder.

There’s no way a small child can process out the
terrifying feelings that come from separation from
mother.

Those feelings can lay dormant for decades, until
similar circumstances bring them to the surface.

If a loved one leaves or is not around, and you
can’t control the situation, it can activate those
overwhelming feelings from early childhood.

It leaves you feeling overwhelmed with heartache.

The pain you felt from those early years – which
you couldn’t possibly even remember – comes up
now just as strongly as if you were one or two
years old (or whenever it happened.)

The overwhelming pain of separation compares
to a post-traumatic stress disorder event.

Essentially, you’re reliving an experience from when
you were a small child.



The short answer to this situation is to give yourself
permission to feel the pain as fully as possible and
then release it.

The longer, more complete answer involves mentally
returning to that small child and helping it heal.

Here’s one way to help that child heal –

I detail a similar process (for ending anxiety) in the e-book,
“How To Reduce Fear, Escape Anxiety And End Panic.”

It’s one small part of that e-book.

(There’s a TON of information packed into those pages!)

You can find out more by going to –

reduce-fear.com

all the best,

Mark

Mark Ivar Myhre
The Emotional Healing Coach
Want to talk about it? Click here
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{ 1 comment }

Anonymous March 19, 2007 at 7:20 am

I THINK MARK IS REALLY ONTO SOMETHING HERE. THESE FEELINGS OF DESPAIR AND LONGING MUST BE LINKED TO EARLY CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES.

WE MUST LOVE OURSELVES FIRST. SOME OF US MAY THINK WE DO, BUT IF SO, OUR SELF LOVE SHOULD TRANSCEND THE INSECURITIES WE FEEL.

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