Life As A Victim And How To Overcome It

by Mark Ivar Myhre on May 12, 2007

Sometimes you feel on top of the world.  Other times you’re in the gutter.  You’re always the same person.  Why the ups and downs?  Why do the ‘peak’ moments never seem to last as long as the gutter moments?

It’s all in how you function.

For most of my life, I functioned as a victim.

What exactly does function mean?

A ‘function’ is like a soda machine.  You put something in – and it always gives you something back out.   You put in your money and you get out a diet coke. That’s a function.

I was a victim.  And I acted like a victim.  Why?

1. I used it to connect with other people.

“Did I tell you what happened to me?”

Basically, it was a way to belong.  To get love.  To connect.

You know the saying:  “Selling is a transference of feeling”?  Well, that’s how I used victimhood. I want you to know how I’m feeling!

I want to transfer my feelings to you.

2. I used it to avoid responsibility.

Choices and decisions; taking a stand; being in charge: it all seems so scary.

“I don’t want to be responsible!”

Better to let circumstances tell me what to do.  Can’t make a mistake if I don’t do anything!

“After all, I’m a victim.  I can’t be responsible for what happens in my life.”

3. It became my identity.

A way of life.  A state of being.  A state of existence.  And I grew to like it.

“I don’t know who I’d be if I weren’t a victim.”

It was familiar.  It gave me ‘comfort’.  Because I didn’t see the damage it was doing.  I didn’t know it shut out the love I was so desperately seeking.  See, I wasn’t trying to destroy the world by being a victim.

But if I can get you to feel sorry for me…

If I can just get you to take care of me…

Is that a crime?

I took the main coping skill of a child and used it as a grown-up in a grown-up world.  Being a victim is kind of like sucking your thumb.  There’s no law against it, but still it doesn’t look very nice.

I thought it was the ‘best’, the ‘safest’, the ‘smartest’ option for living life.  I was motivated to be a victim.  It was the ‘default’ selection:

“When in doubt, function as a victim.”

A function works like this:


My input: the events that happened in my life.

My function: how I interpreted those events.

My output: how I would think and feel and act.

So if I function as a victim, I will take any event – good or bad – and make it into something that supports my victimhood.

Some people experience horribly painful events in their lives, and turn them into something inspiring and uplifting.  Lemons into lemonade.  An outside observer might see them as a victim; but they don’t see themselves that way.  Or if they did feel like a victim, it didn’t last.

Everybody will experience tragedy at one time or another.  But not everybody will function as a victim.  What about you?

Traps Of Victimhood

1. People who function as a victim end up creating a victim reality. The world really does conform to their wishes!  The more you feel like a victim, the more you become a victim.  You have a tendency to keep sinking deeper and deeper.

2. Just as people tend to avoid victims, if you’re a victim you’ll tend to avoid yourself. You’ll tend to avoid your ‘realness’.  Through pity, judgments, blame,righteousness, etc.

It separates you from yourself.  Separation leads to pain.  Thus, victimhood becomes a pain factory.

Victimhood is a trap.   Most will never escape.  Because there’s nothing to grab hold of.   It’s like being in a mud pit.  Or a swamp.

The problem is, victimhood sucks you in and it holds on tight.  You start believing the lie:  “I really am a victim; I’ll always be a victim.  And there’s nothing I can do.”

You become a victim to your own victimhood.

The Way Out Of Victimhood

You’ve got to first discover your current motivation for functioning as a victim.  Why is it so alluring?  Why is it okay?  Why does it seem to be the best option?  What are you secretly getting out of victimhood?  What do you not want to admit about it?

Tell yourself the truth.  No one else needs to hear.  (They probably already know, anyway!)

Then, you’ve got to find a stronger motivation to be the opposite.  What’s the opposite of a victim?

A fully-functioning human being.  A self-determined adult.  A responsible person.  You can put various labels on it: winner, leader, etc.

But you need to find the label that makes the most sense to you.

I found my label.  It suited me well.  More importantly, it motivated me strongly; more than anything else would.  It helped me create new neurological pathways in my brain.  But it might not be the right one for you.

The trick is to have an image – a vision – of something that represents the exact opposite of a victim.  And to make it more alluring, more attractive, than the victim.

You need to find your image.  Your label.  Your vision.  What gets you excited?  More than anything else?  What puts a smile on your face when you think about it?

If you come up with your own unique image, I can show you how to hold it in your heart and keep it alive.  I can show you how to feed it, so it grows stronger and becomes more real.  It’s called The Change-Maker Technique.  It’s a free bonus that comes with the e-book, “How To Create Your Own Reality.”

Read all about it here:

Cause it sure beats the heck out of sucking your thumb!

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: