How Feelings Heal Relationships

by Mark Ivar Myhre on July 17, 2007

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When any event happens – when ANYthing happens in your personal reality, it brings up thoughts and feelings. A certain amount of thought; a certain amount of feeling. Together, those thoughts and feelings possess a certain amount of volume.

How much volume? That depends upon how significant you consider the event.

Insignificant events bring up a small volume. Significant events bring up more volume.

Someone makes an insulting statement to you… and lo and behold, you get insulted! You now have a certain volume of thoughts and feelings that came up from the insult.

When it happens to me, I try to keep my big mouth shut and just FEEL all those emotions. It’s not always easy, but it IS always effective. If I’m feeling them honestly. Because I know if I really do let those emotions come into me – into my heart, into my stomach, into my chest, into my head; if I welcome them into me the way a mother welcomes her child; then there’s a VERY good chance I won’t hear that insult again!



Or if I do hear it, it won’t be nearly as abrasive. Either the insult will have less punch, or else I’ll laugh it off. It just won’t insult me like it did the last time. Because I more-or-less healed it the last time. The insult will have much less significance.

Do you see what I’m saying here?

By FEELING your feelings – by honestly letting the impact of the insult affect you in a healthy way – you CHANGE your reality. You can easily prove this to yourself in your own life. Whether it’s a total stranger or someone you’ve known for years.

If they’re nagging or bitching or yelling or screaming or whatever it may be; try reacting this new way instead:

1. Know and completely understand your normal, habituated, old-fashioned reaction.

How do you normally react to insults? Are you a hard rubber wall – where the insult just bounces right off you, as you give it right back to ’em? (They’re only getting what they deserve, right? Good thing they’ve got YOU to teach ’em a lesson. They should be thanking you!)

Or do you internalize it? “I really AM a sorry no-good lazy bum. Her mother IS right!” Not only soaking it up like a sponge, but adding a little flavoring of your own, to prove – for the one-millionth time – that you really are bad and wrong and stupid and they should have married Lloyd Bronson instead.

Are you a shameful sponge? Or a rubber wall? Or both, depending upon the situation? That’s the first step: knowing how you currently react.



2. Understand that nothing changes until you do.

Are you sick and tired of the insults or arguing or whatever the unpleasant exchange is? Do you think by fighting back harder that you can change things? If you can JUST GET THEM TO UNDERSTAND HOW WRONG THEY ARE….

Or if you just dump enough shame on top of their shame…. Pour a little more sugar on top of that ice cream sundae before you eat it… Somehow things will change?

No. If you want to change the dynamics of the relationship, you better be the one to make a positive change.

Let that in.

And just as important: Understand that if you leave the current relationship without resolving it, you can almost guarantee that it will repeat itself in the next relationship.

The unresolved issues you’re dealing with now, will most likely show up the next time around as well. So you may as well deal with it right now.

3. When someone starts to insult you, don’t fight back.

Don’t defend yourself. Don’t try to make excuses. Don’t try to explain yourself. Don’t insult them right back. Instead, allow yourself to FEEL the feelings that come up inside of YOU.

This takes practice, and you probably won’t be able to do it the first time you try.

It might help to visualize a sphere of light entering you. Don’t focus on their words. Focus on the sphere.

Basically, you’re retraining yourself to cleanly feel your own feelings.

Look for your feelings; search for your feelings. Maybe visualize them, if that helps. Honor and respect yourself enough to seek out the feelings that come up inside of you.

What you FEEL is much more real than what they say.

4. Don’t ‘internalize’ your feelings.

Meaning, don’t explain them to yourself. Don’t justify what you’re feeling. Don’t interpret what you’re feeling in any way.

Feelings don’t need interpretation!

When you internalize, you attempt to ‘become’ the feelings. That’s shame.

So in the previous step I mentioned not reacting to the other person’s words, and here I’m saying don’t react to your OWN feelings either. One way to visualize this is by imagining the feelings that come up as being like a fetus in a womb inside of you. It’s another way to visualize those feelings.

Just keep in mind that when you interpret your feelings IN ANY WAY – that sphere of light begins to darken.

5. Put as much of your attention as you possibly can on YOUR feelings.

It helps if you’re having a phone conversation because it’s easier to somewhat ‘zone the other person out’. You can close your eyes and focus on the way *you feel*- rather than the ranting and raving you’re enduring.



With practice, you can focus on both your feelings and the words spoken by the other person.

And keep reminding yourself why you’re doing this: by cleanly feeling the feelings that come up, you GREATLY reduce the chances of it happening again. Not so they can walk all over you one more time – but so they will walk all over you for the LAST time.

So the next time you get ready to argue, just think to yourself –

“Hey, you know what you idiot?? Usually I’d get down to your level and act like a child also, but this time I’m going to use your words to better myself!”

Now let the nagging begin!

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