What’s The Use?

by Mark Ivar Myhre on March 30, 2008

When I was about 20 years old, I was consumed with feelings and thoughts of ‘what’s the use?’.

As a result, I functioned as an extremely apathetic person towards life; and towards everything, really.

I didn’t care about myself or anything else.

And I never stopped to look at the energy behind those thoughts and feelings.  I just lived and functioned out of them.

Recently, they surfaced again.

I’m grateful they did, because it gave me an opportunity to reflect.   First, to go back to that 20-year-old in meditation.   To remember what he was feeling, and to help us both heal.

I know those intense thoughts and feelings from the past don’t automatically resolve themselves.  More likely, they get buried alive… only to come back and haunt – whenever something today triggers them.

Those past events take today’s energy. And taking today’s energy makes me less powerful.  Until those past events are resolved, that is.

So I’m always grateful when something like this comes up, because I get the opportunity to work with them.  And the end result is that I’ll be more powerful.



Anyway, I’d forgotten how EXTREMELY apathetic I used to be.  Once the hubris of adolescence completely wore off, that’s when the apathy set in – after I lost my adolescent passion; after the teenage years ended.

I didn’t even realize it at the time. Now, 30 years later, I get to take it apart and see how it all worked.

For me, the apathy came from a lack of mattering.

“No matter what I do, it really doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.”

The reason nothing matters is because I don’t matter. So why bother to do anything?

The basic problem was a lack of mattering.

There were specific and unique reasons for my lack of mattering:

Shame.  Lack of deserving.  Feelings of not good enough.  All a result of specific childhood experiences.  Out of which came low self esteem and a loss of self worth.

I’ve already done the work of healing the inner child and releasing those painful energies.  (A good introduction to healing the inner child can be found in the e-books The Magic Of Forgiveness and How To Create Your Own Reality.)

I’ve somewhat found my self worth.  And I’ve come to understand I’m continuously building my self esteem.  Or rather, I’m either building it… or it’s slipping away.

Self esteem seems almost the opposite of self worth.  Self esteem is earned from yourself.   While self worth, on the other hand, is a gift which can only be lost, or found, but never built.

Everyone is always 100% worthy. All you can do is lose touch with it.   Or reclaim it!

But I digress.

Today, I want to explain how I first came to be filled with mattering.   And how you can too.

The energy of mattering is a force you can use to re-find and rediscover and reclaim your passion.  Passion brings the juiciness to life.  It adds complexity.  Passion makes life fun!

And ironically, you can use mattering to clear up the very problems a lack of mattering creates.

When you’re filled with the energy of mattering, for example, you feel better about yourself.  You feel more of your self worth.  Self esteem comes easier.  And it’s easier to know you deserve.

Those are some of the rewards of filling yourself with the energy of mattering.

***

Before we look more closely at mattering, I also want to briefly emphasize those forgotten, neglected, abandoned parts of you from your past.

Because they don’t die, and they don’t really go away.  And it keeps taking more and more of your energy to try to push them away.  But they keep influencing.

In fact, I’d say most people function almost exclusively out of their inner child or inner adolescent or even their inner parent.  Or their ego.  Or some other inner voice.

Well, it this case, it was my inner 20-year-old, which comes from a very traumatic time in my life.

If you’ll look back at your own life, and identify those ages when the greatest trauma took place, then you can bet there’s a part of you still living at that age.  A part that’s scared, lost, confused, abandoned, and betrayed.



By personifying that part of you (seeing it as a person) and letting it speak to you (in quiet meditative times) then you can open the door to PROFOUND changes in your life.   Again, here’s two resources which describe how to begin:

The Magic Of Forgiveness and How To Create Your Own Reality

***

Okay, now back to the mattering…

First I let that 20 year old speak to me; telling me how lonely, dejected, rejected he felt.   How consumed with apathy he felt.  I let him talk and talk until he ran out of things to say… as I sat in a quiet meditative place.

Then I asked if he would be willing to heal.   He said yes.   (If  he’d said no, I would’ve done the rest myself.)

Anyway, I imagined the two of us going to…

The Crossroads Of Mattering.

I see it as an intersection of two quiet country roads.  In my case, they’re dirt roads, but you can imagine them any way you like.

I stood in the middle of the intersection with my 20 year old, and looked in all four directions.

To the south, in the distance, I saw a huge bonfire.

To the west, I saw water; waterfalls, mist, a stream, a lagoon.   Water everywhere.

To the north I saw a hill, with an outcropping of rock, and beyond it I saw deep woods.

And finally, to the east, I saw wide open space – representing the element air.

I’ve traveled to all four directions, but since I’m an earth-type person, I usually go to the north to find my mattering.  You can go to any and all of them if you choose.

So, the two of us went into the hill; into the rock that stood to the north of the intersection.

Whichever directions you go to find your mattering, here’s the two steps to follow:

First, let the element remove the reasons ‘why-not’.  Why you don’t matter. Why you lack mattering.  Why your life lacks mattering.

Let the earth suck it out of you like a poultice.  Let the air lift you, blow you apart, and blow away the limitations.  Step into the bonfire and let the flames consume all the limitations.   Go into the waters, and let the water wash away your apathy, your undeserving, or whatever is there.



Give yourself to your element to let it heal you.  Allow the healing.   Receive the healing.

Second, now let the element fill you with mattering.  Let it be mysterious and unknown.

You’ll never know how it happens, or how it’s even possible.  But if you’ll surrender to your element in this way – especially if you do it several times – you will notice a difference.

It can change you if you’ll let it.

The trick is to be willing to receive.  And open yourself up.  Open up your heart.   Open up your mind.   Open up your essence.  Open up in any way you can imagine.

Open yourself up to your element.  For a minute or two, ‘become one’ with it.

That’s how you can bring mattering into your life.   Then you can feel more value, more passion, and release the apathy.

It can help heal what needs to be healed.

{ 1 comment }

Devin April 6, 2008 at 7:09 pm

Nice entry. I just found your blog through the Technorati listings. I have bookmarked your blog and plan to read more. Good writing!

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