How We Block Love

by Mark Ivar Myhre on August 27, 2008

The older I get – and the more I work on healing and improving my own emotional state of being – the more I value love.

I used to be so cynical of love.  Oh, if you told me it was important, I’d smile and agree with you.  But on the inside I was a raging cesspool of acrid cynicism.  I had no more use for love – than I did for the man on the moon.

Or so I thought.  But I was a coward.  Through and through.  I lived the coward’s life.  In every thought and deed I reflected the fact I was unwilling to face myself.

That’s what a coward is –  someone who won’t face the truth.

I couldn’t – or wouldn’t, to be more precise – face one of the truths about love:

Love is essential for human survival.

We must have some degree of love in our lives just to survive.  And it always starts with self-love.

I believe we come into this world loving ourselves completely.  We possess total self-love.  But we quickly learn that’s wrong – that’s selfish.  It’s practically a sin to love yourself unconditionally.

Because it’s so easy and so natural to love ourselves,  it takes great effort to change.  But change we do.

We learn to build walls around our heart to keep out the love.  Walls of pain and shame.  Walls of pity and judgments.  Walls of bitter anger and helpless rage.  Walls of fear.

When you’re a small child – and you feel INTENSE emotions – you end up learning the hard way you’re not supposed to express what you feel – especially not intensely.

But the intensity is real.  And you’re a blank slate.  You’re like an empty little book – just waiting to have the rules written down on your virgin pages.

Children process their emotions by actively expressing them; acting them out.  They behave like little light bulbs.  When the electricity of emotion surges through them – they light up.

No matter what it is, they naturally want to express it.  Happy, sad – or anything in between – they just want to act it out.

We, as the wise grownups, fear they’ll never progress beyond this natural state of being, and we start clamping down.

We teach them, by hook or by crook, “they better stop acting that way – or else!”

Of course I’m over simplifying this aspect of the parent-child relationship to make the point.  Namely, children naturally need to express their feelings.  Like little light bulbs.  If they can express it cleanly, they can ‘burn off’ the emotion and be healthier for it.

(I’m not talking about when they learn to manipulate with their feelings as a way to get what they want. That’s an entirely different topic. There’s a world of difference between tantrums and clean expression of emotion.)

What’s important to understand is that the emotional intensity is REAL.  And it must go somewhere. Either it gets expressed and released (like the light bulb analogy I can’t seem to stop mentioning…!) or it gets repressed.

If it gets repressed then it must be stored in some capacity. It has to be stored.  It’s not going to just bounce around inside until it dissipates itself.  It doesn’t ‘ground out’ into the earth.

Emotions don’t work that way.  Either you deal with them in a conscious state, or else your subconscious and your unconscious will have to deal with them in their ways.

They’ll have to clean up your mess, in other words.

That’s where the walls come in.

You’ve got several different forces at work here.  First, you’ve got all this emotional intensity inside, and it has to go somewhere.  It’s also a raw material.  That’s what emotions are – raw materials.  Building materials.  You build your life out of this raw material.

Another force at play is the intense desire to start shutting down the flow of emotion.  If you want to ‘get by’ in this world – if you want to be ‘normal’ – then you’ve got to stop feeling your feelings so much!

That’s starting to change a little bit now, and hopefully future generations won’t be as crippled as we are, but still – few people see emotions in their true light.

Instead, we learn to block the flow.  This involves using the very raw materials we’re trying to block!  Like blood that coagulates around a cut – so the very emotions themselves form the barrier that surrounds our emotional heart.

And what are we most trying to not feel as a child?  The pain and shame and hurt and all the other unpleasant feelings.

The emotions we don’t want to feel end up as a barrier around our heart.

When you use whatever materials you have at hand to build something, it’s called bricolage. And that’s what we do.  We build a painful wall around our heart that makes love seem painful.

The wall blocks love.  And, the love that does make it through can often seem painful.

This wall was one of the reasons I loved myself so miserly.  Once I learned how to break down that wall – I was able to feel everything more fully and completely.  Including love

I ended up breaking that wall down.  I busted it to pieces.  It was like a breath of fresh air. You can learn all about it by going to:
Remove The Wall That Surrounds Your Heart


Anonymous December 10, 2008 at 5:21 am

you were stupid to break the wall, emotions lead to heart ache and futher insanity. i myself am blocking all of my emotions so that i do not have an emotional brakdown

Anonymous June 11, 2009 at 12:12 pm

Anonymous, I'm so sorry you had to go through all that heartache too.

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