Emotional Insecurity

by Mark Ivar Myhre on March 24, 2009

People often use the term ’emotional insecurity’ without stopping to understand what it really means. While it implies a problem with emotions, such as fear of loneliness, the core issue lies much deeper.

Insecurity is rooted in faulty beliefs. It usually begins in childhood and continues as a pattern throughout a person’s lifetime… unless steps are taken to end that pattern of insecurity and replace it with a new pattern: a pattern of empowerment.

Ending emotional insecurity begins with willingness. Are you willing to change? Well that’s a silly question. Of course you are! Why else would you be reading this?

I would say the question of willingness needs to be looked at very carefully. You see, we’re already living a life out of our willingness: what we’re willing to be; willing to do; willing to have. Willingness always leads the way.

So often, people say they’re willing to change when they really have no intention at all of doing so. Instead, they’re willing to prove they had a rotten childhood, or they’re willing to feel self-pity, or they’re willing to avoid the responsibility that comes with change…

Or perhaps it’s because they truly, honestly, are only willing to believe they can’t change; they’re willing to believe they must stay in an emotionally insecure state.

If I ask the question, “Are you willing to change?” and you say you can’t change – then you haven’t really answered the question. I didn’t ask if you could change. We already know the answer to that! I asked if you were willing.

Please understand, willingness always leads the way. First, you’re willing. Then you choose. Then – THEN comes the ability.

I know it doesn’t seem that way. And I know how confronting it is to even contemplate the idea. It’s so much easier – it’s so much more comfortable – to believe I’m a victim of fate or a victim of circumstances beyond my control. Just so I’m a victim of something.

Victimhood is a pain factory. Based on faulty beliefs. One of those beliefs: “I must have the ability to change before I can be willing to change.”

If you believe that statement, then you may as well settle in for a lifetime of emotional insecurity. Because it’s a trap designed to keep you in a place of victimhood and emotional insecurity. It’s a catch-22.

The answer starts with being willing to look at some of those beliefs and assumptions you’re willing to die for.

It’s true. Many people would rather die than question their assumptions. Many people do die from this lack of questioning. Or at the very least, they live a life of needless suffering.

Here’s the key: Find your willingness! Get in touch with what you are willing to be, do and have.

“Okay, I’m not willing to stop believing I’m a victim – but I am willing to look deeper at this. I’m willing to stop hiding my head in the sand.”

Or, “I’m not yet willing to let my parents off the hook and I’m not willing to give up my pity, but I am willing to someday be willing.”

Take it one step at a time. Admit where your current willingness lies. Admit what direction it’s taking you right now. Let it in: you can change your willingness and the whole direction of your life can change.

And that includes ending emotional insecurity. Remember, emotional insecurity is simply a pattern rooted in faulty childhood beliefs. All patterns can be changed. You just have to dig out the roots. You have to change the foundation upon which the pattern stands.

When you only attack the outward form of your emotional insecurity, you’ll continue to be victimized by it. Changing the form – the physical circumstances – the symptoms – never produces the internal change inside yourself.

Without first changing inside, the outward changes are temporary and ineffective. But by changing inside, you’ll likely find your external world automatically changes – as if by magic.

Ironically, it’s so much easier to make changes inside. Rather than fighting the outside world. Here’s two great ways to start:

1. Bleed off the excess fears – quickly and easily by following the simple technique in How To Reduce Fear, Escape Anxiety, And End Panic.

2. Get to the root of the problem and end it by learning how to change limiting beliefs in the e-book How To Create Your Own Reality.

Because no matter what, you simply cannot cling tightly enough to another person to make the fear and insecurity go away.


DenverGina April 9, 2009 at 10:08 pm

Thank you Mark. It's amazing how you hit the nail on the head in describing me – my problem is always blaming my childhood. I know that I want to be strong and want to be a confident, self sufficient, secure, capable person that doesn't latch onto someone else for self definition but I've always been so rebellious. Even with myself. I will think more on the concept of willingness 'cause I consider myself very willing and when the thought ends and life just starts rolling on I forget.

K12DRIVER July 17, 2009 at 6:49 am

Mark, thanks for this, it helps me to better understand why a relationship I was in failed, she was a victim of abuse at an early age which lead her to more abusive relationships as she grew, now at 55, she would rather go back to and be in a relationship with someone that she says makes her afraid because of his temper and ability to physically harm her, than take a chance on someone who genuinely cared for her and is a complete opposite of anyone she has been with in the past


Anna March 15, 2011 at 7:50 am

dear Mark, after a lifetime of feeling inadequate, easily feel jealous (I hate myself for feeling like this), feel unwanted, feel alone, feel unrewarded, feel unheard, I know there is something wrong with ME. I can never find out what it is. I have searched far and wide. I also suffer from a lot of chronic muscle pain, IBS etc. My husband normally says it is ‘your problem I cannot help you with it”. It is very difficult for me to relax around people who make me feel jealous because I feel invisible in their midst, I am never good enough someone else is…..this afternoon I got this idea to search for emotional insecurity and voila, found your site. Do my symptoms make me emotional insecure?

Mark Ivar Myhre March 15, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Hi Anna,

yes, you may be emotionally insecure – according to what you’ve written. However, that does NOT mean you have to stay that way!

You might want to read the articles I’ve written on shame, because that’s what it sounds like to me.

When you get right down to it, the only thing wrong with you is that you think there’s something wrong with you. That’s a problem we all share, to one degree or another.

margarette September 1, 2011 at 9:19 am

So thankful for your generosity of abundant & useful insight. The willingness aspect is profound in its simplicity & vastly applicable, well, to every aspect of our, MY, life. Which is supported by the fact that we r all, I am, POWERFUL, & swimming in Love! ‘My mother always told me’ it’d be useful to have a 16 lane Hwy to HELL, & writing about it would help others. Thank YOU so much for doing it. I think, feel, etc as each one forges their way back (too dramatic?) it will allow an easier way for others.

Mark Ivar Myhre September 1, 2011 at 1:03 pm

nope, I don’t think it’s too dramatic!

Art Vandelay December 29, 2011 at 10:14 am

Hi Mark! I have been reading a lot of the information on the site, especially the information on emotional insecurity. I am very interested in your book How To Reduce Fear, Escape Anxiety, And End Panic. I’d love to read it, but unfortunately, I can’t afford it. I lost my job and I’ve been out of work for weeks now and am struggling to get work. I’d still love to read your book. Could you help me?

Mark Ivar Myhre December 29, 2011 at 10:37 am

Sure, I’ll be glad to let you have a copy of the program.

I have a policy of helping out people who write and ask me for complimentary copies of any of my programs.

All I ask is that you write an article that describes your life story, which I can use as an article on another web site.

Please make it at least 500 words. ( I get much longer emails than that, all the time, from people describing their problems to me!)

And I won’t use your name or address or anything like that, so its like you’ll be an anonymous author.

Just use the Contact form on this blog to send it to me, rather than this comment section. And if you have any questions about this, please use the Contact form so we can talk privately.


David M. Jones February 11, 2012 at 9:39 am

I must be willing to face life and than take action on all the issues I have with insecurity in my life. By putting forth the effort of moving out of the comfort zone of treating people I desire as if they are superior and the ultimate prize in life, to showing others that I truly value myself takes courage. To move beyond the trap of emotions and fear and move into the realm of positive action regardless of my feelings is the willingness needed to produce positive change.

Mark Ivar Myhre February 11, 2012 at 12:54 pm

well stated

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: