I Am Bipolar – And That’s Okay

by Mark Ivar Myhre on December 21, 2009

I’m manic depressive.  Or bipolar.  Or whatever the heck you want to call it.

But it’s been years since I’ve felt depression, or the mania that comes with it.  And I know I’ll not be feeling it any more. If by some chance mania or depression were to show up, it would not last a day.

Am I arrogant?  Or stupid?  Perhaps.  Or maybe I know something….

See,  I said I was manic depressive, but more clearly stated, a PART of me is manic depressive.  It’s not ALL of me, just a part of me.

I have many parts to my consciousness.  I have an ego, an inner child, an inner adolescent,  an inner victim, a martyr, a shame-based ‘Broken Man’, a beast of rage, a ‘limp guy’, an inner outlaw, an inner addict, a ‘negative guy’….  the list goes on and on.

But I also have many positive parts of my consciousness as well.  I have a Dreamer, a future self, a miracle maker, a magical child, a soul, a spirit, a Truer Self, a Sacred Self,  a Valued Self, a Loving Self… again, the list goes on and on.

Therefore, the bipolar guy – the Maniac (as I call him) – is really only one small part of my consciousness.

Now, he used to be a very BIG part of my life.  Most of my life, I functioned as a combination of the Maniac, the Broken Man, the inner victim, the ego, and the inner child.  With a few other parts thrown in, just for good measure.

They were driving my life.  I spent my time in the back seat, scared out of my mind, because I never knew what they would pull next.  I truly was helpless and powerless, and life was no fun.

Then I discovered the ’emotional wellspring’.  I found out that thoughts AND feelings were constantly flowing into me.   And I found out that was the very source of my power.

Eventually I came to understand all the ways I’d been manipulating my feelings, in a failed attempt to simply feel better.  I understood the source of all emotional pain comes from restricting that natural flow of feelings.

But here’s the kicker:

Those feelings have to go somewhere.  If I deny them, if I refused to feel them myself, then some other part of me will be taking that flow.  If I refuse to be powerful, then some other part of me will claim that power.  If I won’t drive my life, then some other part of me will HAVE to.

And it will never be the positive, expansive, ‘more’ parts of me, such as the Empowered Self, the soul or the spirit.  Because they love me too much to do something like that.

So, because some part of me must take in that energy, that leaves only the wayward, ‘lesser’ parts of me.  In a sense, it’s not like my ego or Maniac has elbowed me out of the way in their mad grab for power.  Rather, I hid behind my inner child, my inner victim, and whatever other parts I’ve thrust out in front of me.

Some of those parts of me got to liking that control, though, and they ended up huddled around that emotional wellspring lapping up MY flow of feelings.  And I lose the sense of who I am.

I don’t know who I am anymore.  Am I a Broken Man?  Am I a Maniac?  Am I a victim?

Or a child?  Or a crazy, deranged ego?  I don’t know.

All I know is that I’m completely out of control.  Helpless… a victim, at the mercy and the whims of forces I don’t understand.

I don’t see the pack of hyenas circled around MY emotional wellspring.  Taking MY power and feeling what should be MY feelings.  I become like a scared child, where the world seems so big and overwhelming.

And I lose a sense of who I am, because at any time, I could be wearing the ‘mental constructs’ of a victim, or a martyr, or a beast of rage…  It’s like I wear the mental constructs of these parts of me just like I put on a certain outfit or suit of clothes.  But I don’t know how to take the clothes off at the end of the day.

And that’s the problem.  I think I’m stuck in my feelings, but really I’m stuck in the clothes of a martyr or a Maniac or an ego or an inner child.  I’m stuck in THEIR feelings.  It’s like a big bulky space suit I can’t seem to remove.  It surrounds me.  I feel trapped.

So if you find yourself in this situation, what in the world can you DO about it?

First, get a sense of the big picture.  Get a sense of what’s happened to you.  Understand how you’ve given away your power to these ‘lesser’ parts of you.

And keep in mind, this didn’t start last Tuesday.  No, patterns like this start at a very early age, when you really had little choice because you were most likely just TRYING TO SURVIVE.

When you’re hurting, you reach for any tool you have.  As a child, you have very few tools available to you.  Letting the ego run your life seems like a very efficient, workable solution to the pain.

“I can’t deal with my life, I can’t deal with this pain.”

So I’ll retreat, and let my ego take over.

That’s one possible scenario.  The bottom line is, the pattern becomes very ingrained.  To begin the healing and changing of this pattern, first really let it in.  Let these words really sink in.

“I’m not bad and wrong, I’ve just developed patterns that leave me powerless.”

Think about your own life, and what aspects of your consciousness have been running the show up till now.

Then work on taking your power back from those aspects.  It’s YOUR power.

You won’t heal it in a day, but you can START today.

I’ll probably be writing more about this in the future, but in the meantime, if you’d like to talk to me privately about this, I’m available for personal consultations.  For more information, go to –


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