Here’s What I Think About Shame

by Mark Ivar Myhre on July 13, 2010

I hate shame with a passion.

I’ve seen what it does to people – how it ravages their lives.  How it kills their dreams, their motivation and drive, and their very reason to live.

How it can leave them as an empty shell of a human being.  And then they have to hide that emptiness from the world.   And then they die.

People die from shame every single day.

Shame can come in and possess you like a demon.  And then you don’t even know who you are.  It separates you from yourself.  Which leads to loneliness, depression, apathy, anxiety and fear, and rage…  among many other things.

Unfortunately, shame often goes unrecognized and unacknowledged.  Just as fish in the sea can’t really recognize the water, so we too have a hard time seeing what surrounds us.

We see the effects of shame – and we certainly feel the results of it, but the shame itself remains invisible, or at least hazy and nebulous.

I’ve seen what shame has done in my own life.  I can see its effects.  I’ll never forget the gut wrenching pain I went through.  Or the decades I wasted being imprisoned by it.

I wish I could wrap my fingers around shame and choke it – kill it with my bare hands.  Like it almost killed me.  I would if I could, with no remorse.  But I can’t.

Instead, I’m left to write these words.  While shame itself lives on.

At least, for the most part, I’ve conquered my own shame.  But the tiny bit that still remains will never leave as long as I hate it with so much passion.  I keep it ‘alive and well’ with my hate.  Maybe during the course of writing this e-book, I can forgive myself and finally be done with that last one or two percent – for good.

It’s completely up to me.

So what is the nature of shame?  What’s the ‘big picture’ view?

Shame comes down to believing lies about yourself.

Shame is when you believe lies.  You believe them so completely, so thoroughly, so deeply, that you cannot imagine things being any differently.  You cannot imagine a different reality than the current one that’s based on statements that aren’t even true.

That’s the bottom line.

So where do the lies come from?

Shame starts when someone else injects their false stories into you.  It’s like your mother or your father or some other ‘bigger, stronger, smarter’ person takes a hypodermic needle, and gives you a shot of their own painful bullshit.  Because they’re trying to get rid of their own pain.

They inject their lies into you.  And it hurts like hell.

Shame is a transference of emotion.  (Just like salesmanship – which is kind of interesting, if you think about it.)

You’ve been ‘sold’.  You were sold a package of lies.  Statements such as –

“I’m not good enough.”

“I’m not worthy.”

“I’ll never amount to anything.”

“Nobody would ever love me.”

“I can never be seen.”

“There’s something fundamentally wrong with me.”

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Yes, you were ‘sold’.  But then, you had to ‘buy’ the lies.  As a child, you really had no choice.  You were a sponge.  And if these God-like creatures told you that you’d never amount to anything, you believed them. You didn’t know any better.

But you’re not a child anymore.  So now we come to the really insidious part of shame.  You have to keep it alive inside yourself by continuously repeating the lies.  Cause if you stopped, the shame would end.

Negativity is weak and dumb and boring and repetitive.  It’s not intricate or involved.  It’s not even clever.  It’s dumb as a box of rocks.  Most of the time, it doesn’t even make sense.

The problem is, though, shame becomes too much a part of a person’s identity.

“I don’t know who I’d be if I gave up my shame.”

We don’t think that thought; instead we live our lives out of it.  Just like a fish doesn’t think about the water.

I’m trapped between the pain and the fear.  The pain of the shame, on one hand, and the fear of the loss of my identity on the other hand.  The pain usually wins out.  I say I hate it – I hate the shame and the pain it causes, but on the other hand, I’m too scared of living a life without it.

The shame is all I know.

If I ended the shame, it would leave a big gap in my identity.  There would be a gaping hole if I pulled this painful tooth.  That scares me.  I think I’ll distract myself from even considering I could truly live a life without shame.  I’ll burrow a little deeper into my poisons and prisons.  I’ll go back to sleep.  I’ll deal with it tomorrow.

That’s the problem.

The simple answer is to just stop believing the lies.  But it’s not that simple, is it?  Maybe you’ve already tried to distance yourself from your shame.  And you found out ending shame isn’t simple.

It’s easy to describe the problem.  But ending it, well, that takes a lot of work.  Most people don’t have what it takes to end their shame.  They’ll live an empty, meaningless life, and then they’ll die from their own shame.  Like choking to death from their own excrement.

I don’t want that to happen to you.  That’s why I’m writing this e-book.

I’m starting to understand how wonderful life can be.  The joy, the fun, the sheer ecstasy of waking up in the morning and not suffering from shame; that’s priceless.  And not only do you feel great, but you see the world so much more clearly.  You see the shame in others.  Also, you feel the love.  You feel life the way it was MEANT to be.

Life becomes fun – the way it’s supposed to be.

And you find that gaping hole fills immediately with more of ‘you’.  You don’t really lose your identity.  You gain it.  You get back yourself.  You reunite with yourself.

You become more of who you really are.  Then, all the loneliness, the pain, the anxiety, even the depression, can lift like a morning fog.  Or at least it can lift with a minimum of effort.   It happened to me.  And it’s happening to many others as you read these words.

I’ll tell you everything you need to know about shame.  And then some!

You’ll learn exactly how to end it.  If you have the courage to risk losing a part of your current identity, then you CAN end shame.  Or at least, the negative shame.  Because as you’ll soon see, shame has a positive side that’s rarely discussed.

You NEED that positive side.  That’s why shame exists on this planet.  Do you know what it is?  I mentioned it briefly already.

We’ll look at it more closely in the next chapter.

In the meantime, if you’d like some personal help with this, or any other emotional issue, sign up for a private consultation by going to –

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: