Are You Blocking Relationships Too?

by Mark Ivar Myhre on December 6, 2010

Do you have a barrier between you and other people – a barrier that prevents people from getting too close to you?

If so, you’re going to want to read every word of this article.

In my last post, I made the statement of ‘driving a wooden stake into the heart of your relationship’.  Well, there’s many ways to drive a wedge between you and the people in your life.

It just so happens, in addition to my many other talents, I’m an expert at keeping others at bay.  Yes, it creates a lot pain, but at least it keeps me ‘safe’.  From what, exactly, I’m not sure.  That’s another story.

Anyway, here’s how I spent a lifetime ‘stiff-arming’ people, and how I healed it:

As you might imagine, something like this starts early in life.  For me, it started long before I had any interest in members of the opposite sex.  It started with my very first relationship; the one with mother.  First let me put things in context:

It’s easy to shame a child. Too easy.  As a parent, you’re going to be writing something on that blank slate you’re holding in your arms, whether you want to or not.  That’s why I believe we choose our mothers before we’re born. It would be too crazy-making (for me, at least) to think I truly am a victim of chance.  Mother has too strong of an influence in a person’s life for me to believe it’s just a coincidence as to which mother I ended up with.

For the first year or two of my life, I had an emotional bond with mother.  We all do.  Even after the physical umbilical cord is cut, there’s still an emotional umbilical cord.  I feel what she feels.  At least, until the cord is cut and I start acting out the ‘terrible twos’.

So anyway, somewhere along the line I determined I did not live in a safe world because the people in it could hurt me.  And the closer someone got to me, the more likely they could (and would) inflict pain on me.

I saw only one solution to this problem.  I just can’t let anyone get close to me.  It’s the only way I’m going to survive.  I’ll pretend when I have to, but deep down inside, there’s no way I can let someone into my heart.  I remember one of the first movies I ever saw on TV showed  a man crying because he couldn’t be with the woman he loved.

“That will never happen to me,” I vowed.  “Relationships are nothing but pain.”

As you may have noticed, those childhood choices and decisions – made with such intensity and determination – usually last a lifetime. It’s rare for someone to even find them, much less change them. Usually, we just end up living a life of frustration because we can’t understand why we keep repeating the same self-destructive patterns over and over.

We make a lot of promises to ourselves when we’re kids.  Promises about how we’re going to live the rest of our lives.  Those promises end up being locked away in our subconscious mind.  In a sense, they’re even more real than if we’d gotten out paper and crayon and written them in big block letters and taped them to the bathroom mirror.

“I will NEVER be happy.”

“I have to control everything or I’ll die.”

“I’ll never find someone to love me.”

Powerful, fundamental choices and decisions that were made to assuage the pain.  They become receptacles – little (or big!) pockets of pain.  They were made as a coping mechanism to handle the pain and the shame.

Well, guess what?   I don’t need those choices any more. I’m a big boy now.  I’m all grown up.  I’m trying to become the adult.  And very few things in life are more important than our relationships.  But my most fundamental beliefs about relationships are skewed; twisted and distorted.  On top of that, my most fundamental choices and decisions around relationships are skewed as well.

No wonder I feel so all alone – so isolated – even when I’m around other people.  What can I do to change this?

I pull out my ace in the hole, that’s what.  Process it out; feel the pain; feel the impact; forgive myself and then change.

So that’s what I proceeded to do.  Only this time, there was a bit of a problem.  I just wasn’t feeling much.  I couldn’t find that pocket of pain – that gusher.  There just didn’t seem to be much there to forgive.  Which is crazy if you think about it:

Relationships are so important in every person’s life. My relationships are faulty.  I’ve missed out on so much in this lifetime due to my barriers that won’t let others get too close.  I’ve lived a lonely life – sometimes horribly painfully lonely.   There’s got to be some unresolved pain somewhere – and if I want to forgive myself and heal this and start building loving intimate relationships, then I’ve got to find and release that pain.  Besides all that, I make a living teaching this stuff!

Sadly, I’d reached an impasse.  There’s nothing to do but go cook some grits and watch TV for a while.  Take a break and come back with a fresh perspective.  A good bowl of grits will do that for you.

Sure enough, a few hours later I made an important discovery. Somewhere in childhood, a part of me broke off  and became some sort of guard, or gatekeeper, or bouncer, or perhaps it was like the ‘secretary from hell’ who won’t let anyone through to see the boss.  A part of me started functioning to keep anyone else from getting too close.

Here’s what happened: In meditation, I went searching for the barrier or blockage I’d created to prevent close relationships.  I was expecting some sort of concrete wall, but instead I come across this beast who looked like the Disney character from the cartoon Beauty And The Beast.  A big strong hairy beast who existed only to follow my orders.

I approached him.  I was a little apprehensive, because I didn’t know if he was going to attack me too.  Instead, I saw a broken-hearted creature who was so tired of doing what I’d sent him out to do.  So much sadness I saw in his eyes.  He didn’t want to attack anybody.  But that was his job.  That’s what I had commissioned him to do.

He was powerful, because I’d given him so much of my power. We talked for a while.  I explained why he was forced to do what he did; because of my own shame and pain.

Because it was the only way I knew to survive.  We both quickly agreed it was time for us to reunite.  He’d done his job well; the job I’d demanded he do.   But now, his services were no longer required.

After taking back my power from him, he changed right before my eyes.  Just like in the cartoon!  He became a young man – maybe a teenager – who looked like me.  NOW I was able to feel the pain!  And of course, release that pain.  And feel the remorse from a lifetime of loneliness.

And then I could forgive myself for creating this situation in the first place.
Now my life can change, because one of the most important arenas of life – my relationships – can be rich and plump and full with a depth of love I’ve never known before.

New relationships can form.  Old relationships can come alive with magic and excitement.  I can experience a greater depth to my life that will make me happier and more content.

One of the fundamental reasons for coming into this earth can be fulfilled.  That’s what living, breathing, relationships can do.

I’ve very excited to have found a way to manifest these deeper relationships in my life.  And now, you can too.

So what’s your relationship pattern?

How are your relationships going?

Could they be richer, fuller, more rewarding?

Is there a hidden part of you who’s blocking you from experiencing a greater depth of relationship?

Is there a sad, hurting part of you inside who’s fighting off the greater love and intimacy?

Often times, this part of us will express itself in the other people in our lives.  We think it’s ‘them’ who are blocking the closeness, but really it’s the hidden part of ourselves reflected in this other person.

If you’d like to become more powerful (and wiser!) while at the same time reuniting with yourself as you achieve a depth of relationship that’s literally unimaginable right now, then I’ve got some really great news.

I’ve just recorded a brand new meditation that will quickly and easily take you to the part of you that’s currently blocking the depth of love your heart is craving for.  It’s a way to heal your current relationship pattern by finding and healing that part of you.

Short.  Powerful.  Life-changing. Six months from now, you can look back on this mediation as being one of the changing points in your life.

Once I design a web site for this meditation, I’ll probably raise the price, but for now you can have it for only $12.

I’d like to ask you to close your eyes right now, and turn your attention inward.  Could your relationships use some healing?  Is there a sad, lonely part of you who’s tired of fighting off the rich fullness of what your relationships could be?   Or even worse, is this part of you blocking yourself from having loving relationships in the first place?

If so, I urge you to click the link below and order this relationship-healing meditation right now.

If you don’t like it for any reason,  just let me know anytime in the next 8 weeks and I’ll cheerfully refund your money.  Well, scratch that.  I won’t be cheerful about it.  But at least I’ll do it with no hard feelings.

I created and practiced this meditation just a few days ago, and I’m already seeing a big change in my attitude, even my beliefs.  Something has shifted inside me.  And it’s such a simple meditation.


Kate December 6, 2010 at 8:19 pm

Great meditation thanks Mark 🙂

Mark Ivar Myhre December 8, 2010 at 2:20 am

Hi Kate –

You’re very welcome!

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