Self Help Anger Management

by Mark Ivar Myhre on September 6, 2011

This post on self help anger management is basically a continuation of two others – Anger Management Tips and Anger Management Technique.

Let’s start with a look at power – how you get it and how you give it away.  Because giving your power away will make you angry and keep you angry.  To develop a healthy relationship with anger, and all emotions, for that matter, it’s essential to understand power.

Personal power means the ability and the willingness to act. True power has nothing to do with other people.  When most people think of power, they think of domination and control and intimidation of others.  For lack of a better phrase, I would call that ‘false power’.  At best, it’s illusionary power.  Certainly, it’s not real power.

Power – personal power – your power – really amounts to an emotional experience.  You feel powerful; and thus you are.  It’s an internal experience; independent of anyone or anything else.  Or at least, it’s supposed to be.

Where does power come from?

There’s a flow of energy coming into you all the time.  It’s constant and continuous.  I call it the ’emotional wellspring’ but that label in no way does it justice.  As I keep discovering, its way more than I can imagine.  This flow of energy consists of the raw material of life.  It’s what we build our life out of.  It’s the ultimate ‘sub atomic particle’ – as far as I can tell.

Basically, it’s pure, divine, love that’s been ‘down-stepped’ and modulated and changed in other ways (and I have no idea what they are!) until it eventually flows into us 24 hours a day.  It starts out as divine love, and ends up as ‘human love’.  (Again, for lack of better terminology.)

Now, this love mixes with our will.  Our free-will.  And like love, will also defies adequate description.  Different types of will exist, from the most whimsical to the ineffable.  Again, it’s hard to put into words.

But when our will mixes with the love that flows into us, that creates our true core of power. Love and will.  That’s what true power really amounts to.  Will is like the skeleton, and love is the flesh and blood that surrounds it.

That’s one of the many reasons why love holds such value.  And why your willingness carries so much importance.

Love and will.  That’s where your power comes from.  The cleaner and stronger and more pure your love is, the more powerful you will be.  And the more you’re in touch with your true will, the more powerful you’ll be.

The way I see it, all your other emotions basically come down to down-stepped love.  Love that has been separated out into various parts, the way a prism breaks apart white light into the rainbow of colors.  Love separates out, and these constituent parts combine and re-combine to form all the other emotions.

And they can even keep recombining to the point of the most undesirable and unpleasant feelings that we feel.  That’s why I say feel all your feelings – even the ones you don’t want to feel.  Because when you feel them, you take them into your heart, where they’re consumed, which raises your resonance and it will eventually bring you closer to love.

The more you feel your feelings, the more powerful you become. Just like the more you engage your thoughts, the more powerful you become.  Or rather, the more you consciously engage your thoughts the more powerful you become.

Great.  But what does all this have to do with self help anger management?

When you give away your power, you end up powerless.  When you don’t respond to the powerlessness, it turns into rage.

So how do you give your power away?  Lots of ways.  Which come down to one fundamental way.  Namely: You give your power away when you think and feel and believe that someone or something other than you is creating what happens to you.

For example, where anger is concerned, it’s believing someone is making you angry.  Or some situation is making you angry.  Whatever pushes your buttons, in other words.  Your kids.  Your spouse.  Your neighbors, co-workers, relatives, in-laws.  Whomever.   (Which is all a function of your shadow, by the way.)

You give your power away when you believe your feelings are dependent on the actions of another.  Now, you don’t actually give you power to the other person.  It’s not like they can use your power.

But remember they’re your buttons!

Your buttons amount to a container of anger you carry around with you.  Somebody bumps up against your arm, and some of the anger spills out.  And we call it ‘pushing our buttons’.

Giving away your power means you have less ability and willingness to act.

“There’s nothing I can do.”

Depending on the situation, that may be partly true.  But when it comes to anger, there’s a lot you can do.  First, realize the situation.  You may be walking around with a hot cup of coffee in a land of nudging elbows.

The Anger Analogy

And a hot cup of coffee attracts those elbows. See, it’s not enough that you have the dangerously hot coffee in your hand.  But that hot cup filled with anger actually draws situations to you where the anger will spill out.

Why?  Partially because a part of you knows how hazardous it is to hold onto the anger!  You create the elbows as a way to bleed off the anger.  But you’ll never get rid of the anger as long as you think someone else is causing it.  Trying to make someone else responsible for your anger never works.

It’s disempowering.  But if you don’t respond to the anger, then it’s not likely you’ll respond to the disempowerment either.  Which compounds the problem.

The way to deal with powerlessness is to simply feel it as fully and completely as possible. Feel it with your heart.  Bring it into your heart.  Feel the powerlessness with all the gusto you can muster.  Just feel what it feels like.  If you do that, you’ll ‘consume’ that powerlessness, and be more powerful.  Works like a charm.

But if you tell yourself all kinds of stories about what it means to be powerless, then you most likely won’t be feeling it and resolving it.  Instead, you’ll be keeping it around.  And then the resentment sets in, and all the other stuff.  Eventually, you end up with more anger and eventually rage.

So What Is The Self Help Anger Management?

Realizing the situation, first.  Seeing how it can be a downward spiral when you don’t accept responsibility for your anger.

Along with this, it involves giving up the need to be right.  Which isn’t a ‘need’ at all.  It’s actually more of a trick of the ego.  The part of you that insists on always being right is not a part of you which you can trust.  It’s not coming from your truer self.  Rather, it comes from ‘lesser’ part of you.

Again, you may have given your power away in this situation.  I’ve written about these other parts of you here.

Anyway, if you insist on being right, and if you hold onto the right to be angry, then the anger will stick around.  You can work on bleeding off the anger, but you’ll never be done with it, because you’ll always have a never-ending source of it.

If you will drop the righteousness, then you can help yourself with the anger in two ways.

1.  Bleed off that full cup of coffee.

I did it by getting out pen and paper and writing down my anger, fast and furious.  This is a good way to get that righteousness out of you, if you’ll let it.  I used up hundreds and hundreds of sheets of paper writing out my anger.  Sometimes all I could do was scribble on the page, I was so angry.  Eventually, I bled off quite a bit of anger this way.  (Writing out the anger is a great way to reduce the anxiety, too!)

Then, at a certain point, I started actually feeling my anger cleanly – which released the rest.

2. Practice feeling the anger cleanly, as I suggested in Anger Management Techniques.

Start with giving yourself permission to feel the anger.  See, right now, most of us know we aren’t supposed to get angry.  We end up building huge thick walls between us and our anger.  So it can be hard to actually feel anger without putting on a show.

That’s why I suggest starting small, with just a thread of anger.  Believe me it’s there if you’ll choose to feel it.  Feeling a tiny thread of anger is a lot less threatening then busting down the wall that holds your anger back.

Another self help anger management tip involves a simple visualization technique.  Imagine you’re standing at one end of a long hallway.  At the other end of the hallway lies all your stuffed and repressed anger.  Imagine slowly walking down the hall.  Put your hands on either side of the hall – touching the walls.  Feel the heat.  Let the anger move into your hands and all the way up your arms and into your heart.  Feel it in your body.  Feel it getting hotter the farther you walk.  Take it as far as you like – all the way into a burning room, if you wish.  And just feel.

I used to do this simple technique a lot, as a way to get in touch with my anger without telling myself a story about why I was angry in the first place.  (Which was always a lie, anyway.)   This also works well for pain and fear.  Just imagine you’re walking a hallway of pain, or a hallway of fear, or some other emotion that’s built up inside you.

The effectiveness of both steps hinges on giving yourself permission to feel the anger.  In fact, its essential for any self help anger management tool you choose to practice.  And make no mistake about it, it does take practice to return to your natural way of feeling – whether it’s anger, or any other feeling.

If you have any questions, please leave them in the comment section below.


Adrean Farrugia September 12, 2011 at 10:10 am

Thank you Mark. You are a brilliant light and the impact that your words have is immeasurable. I’m very grateful for your wise and inspiring emails.

Amy September 12, 2011 at 10:30 am

Thank you for this blog. I WAS SO ANGRY with my extended Atheistic family for encouraging my twin to become involved with Islam. Your anger management tips helped a lot — all blogs of yours helped really. Love them.

Debbie October 5, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Six years ago my husband of 26 years left me and was immediately in a new relationship with his girlfriend from his High School days, who had just recently been divorced. The feelings of rejection were the worst pain I could imagine. I spent two years of my life giving my spirit and power away to the grieving that I did. It has been a journey finding my spirit, my power and my spiritual life/ faith again. Your articles resonate to me and have been helpful reminders to me to keep moving forward and to continue to work on myself, for me. By getting myself back, I have so much more love to give to my precious 27 year old twins and to the students that I teach Physical education to. Thank You, I enjoy reading your articles. Sincerely, Debbie

Anna December 15, 2011 at 7:57 am

This constant experiencing of anger and pain seems to have no end. Just as I think it’s been released I find it’s all still there.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: