Desire For A Soul Mate

by Mark Ivar Myhre on December 23, 2011

When you want to attract a soul mate, or create anything in your life, for that matter, then it will be natural for you to have a strong desire .  Duh.  Because if you didn’t have a strong desire, then you probably would not be making the effort to get it in the first place.

But all too often that desire turns to desperation and extreme longing.  Not because it has too, but because we start telling ourselves stories about what it means to not have what we want.

If I’m not getting what I want, it means I’m in pain…

It means I’m not good enough…

It means there’s something wrong with the world…

Or there’s something wrong with me.

And on and on it goes.

And thus, desire gets a bad rap and enlightened people tell you to not have any desires at all.  But it’s not the desire that hurts.  It’s the stories we attach to the desires.

When you want to attract a soul mate, it creates a longing.  That longing can be beautiful, in its own way, but it’s also painful.  Or it can be.  And most people find themselves stuck in this stage.

They want a soul mate, they tell themselves.  They really do.  But since it’s not happening, they tend to interpret that lack of a soul mate in rather harsh ways.  They attach all sorts of meanings to the lack.  Which may involve blame, self condemnation, pity, and various other energies that only make things worse.  These stories take a beautiful longing and turn it into a painful and ugly reality.



As if that were not bad enough, we also have plenty of stories about why we need to avoid the very loving relationship we seek.  Such as the stories from childhood about what love means, and about what relationships mean.

“Love means you’ll just get used and abused and then abandoned.  Love means the other person will get close to you and then they can hurt you.  Love means… something bad will happen to you.”

And these stories keep away the loving relationship.  They make sure you never find that soul mate.  Because if you do, you’ll end up getting hurt by this other person.  Or however the stories go…

The pain comes from being caught in the tug of war between conflicting stories.  On the one hand, I make up stories about how bad it is to not have a soul mate.  On the other hand, I make up stories about how bad it is to be in a relationship.

I’m caught in the middle.  My heart longs for love, and I want a loving relationship, but my early childhood programming tells me relationships are something to be avoided.  Because love equals pain and shame and whatever else I learned.

The key here is to understand that what you really want is not the other person, per se, but rather the feeling you will get when that other person is in your life.  It’s the feeling.  That’s what’s real.  That’s what your heart wants; to be filled with love.  To belong.  To feel safe in love.

The other person is just illusion.  (In the sense that everything we see in our world is illusion.)  We make the illusion real.  That’s part of what it means to be human.  We selectively pick and choose various aspects of the illusion we see around us, and make them real to us.  We get to choose what’s real and what’s not.

So yes, we can make a soul mate real, and out of that wonderful and beautiful relationship, our lives can be greatly enhanced.  The energy of the relationship itself can nurture us and fill our hearts with love and joy.

Unfortunately, we’ve been taught and conditioned to make the stories real instead of the love and joy of a relationship with a soul mate.  We’ve been almost forced to believe that pain and struggle and not getting what you want – that’s what’s real.



“Living a happy, joyful, loving existence?  HA!  You’re a chump to give that thought any energy at all!  You can wish for a soul mate.  You can long for one.  But deep down inside, you know it’ll never happen.  Not for you.”

You see?  That’s the kind of stuff we make real.  Not because it really is real.  But because that’s what we choose to make real, as a product of our conditioning here on earth.  But when you really let it in – you get to choose what to make real as part of what it means to be human – then you can change that conditioning.

They’re just stories that we’ve made real.

The pain – that comes from the heart’s longing for what its separate from – can be satiated.  One hundred percent.  And that comes from feeling the feelings of what it will be like to have the soul mate.

As opposed to thinking about the longing.  Which leads to pain.

As opposed to thinking about the separation.  Which also leads to pain.

Instead, focus on the feeling of satisfaction, of satiation; focus on the feeling of wonder and joy that comes from being in that relationship.  That’s the difference.  See?  Don’t focus on what you don’t have.  Instead, just go ahead and give yourself what you heart really longs for.  Which is feeling, not illusion.

Your heart, I dare say, does not really concern itself much with the outer world.  It is concerned with something more real.  True emotion.  True feeling.  Being filled with love.  Being filled with joy.  And many other feelings, for that matter.

Your heart may even want to feel a little bit of the longing.  But only to a certain point.  Because at first, it’s beautiful.  But it can easily cross a line to where it’s painful.

The purpose of the longing is to end the separation.  But because of the stories we tell ourselves, and because of the errant beliefs we picked up early in life, we end up with both longing and separation.  And that’s the pain.

If you will focus instead on fulfilling your heart’s desire for love, you can heal that pain.  And you do that by your imagination, by your will, by your choice.  You choose to feel what it would feel like to have that soul mate. Instead of what everyone else chooses to feel, which is the separation and the pain.



Separation is really an illusion.  It’s part of the illusion.  It’s not really real.  We make it real, and give it dimension and mattering and meaning, and thus it grows.  That’s where most people focus.

We create separation where none would otherwise exist.

I’m trying to offer a new way of looking at this, and a new way of responding to the current lack of a soul mate.  And you do that by working on feeling what’s real, rather than trying to just feel the stories of lack.

What do I mean?

You can feel the longing without telling yourself stories about what that longing means.  Just like you can feel the separation without telling yourself stories about what the separation means.

It’s not really the longing that creates the pain.  It’s the mental constructs we put up about our longing.  And it’s not really the separation that creates the pain.  If you could just feel the feeling of separation, without coming up with explanations about it, then you would most likely resolve that separation.  There’s not much realness to it, anyway.

If you feel the separation, you would most likely have less of it in your life.  But if you attach fairy tales to the feeling of separation, then it will last a lifetime.  If you attach baggage to the feeling of separation, it will stick around, and it will be painful.

But any time you feel – truly feel with your heart – then the feelings pass through you, and it raises your resonance.  Even if what you’re feeling at the time hurts.  Just by bringing it into your heart, and letting your heart work its magic, that in itself will change you.

The problem is, we’ve been so programmed to shut down our hearts, that most people couldn’t even sit still long enough to read these words.  Or else they’d just blow it off as some sort of airy fairy nonsense.  And they’ll never end their pain.

Hopefully, you’re not most people, and you’re able to listen to what I’m saying without squirming.

If you want to attract a soul mate; if you want to attract anything else; if you want to heal and grow and change in any way: the key is to feel with your heart instead of your head.  Feel the longing; without attaching stories to it.  Feel the separation; without added baggage about what that separation means.  And especially, feel what it will feel like to have the change you want in your life as if it’s already happened.

And will this do it?  Maybe.  At the very least it will clear the pathway so it becomes a lot more likely to manifest.  This lays the foundation.  It gives you a solid footing so you can see more clearly what else needs to be done.

Such as, perhaps, changing your self image from a person without a soul mate, to a person with a soul mate.

all the best,

Mark

Mark Ivar Myhre
The Emotional Healing Coach
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{ 8 comments }

Leslie December 24, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Hi! Mark,

Wishing You And Your Family A Healthy, Wonderful, Joyous, And Very–
“MERRY CHRISTMAS”!

And A Healthy, Safe, Wonderful, Joyful, Prosperous, And A Very—
“HAPPY NEW YEAR”!

ALL THE BEST TO YOU, LESLIE

Terry December 25, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Hello Mark,I so enjoy reading your emails. They are always uplifting. I’ve been single for let’s say to long ! I ask god all the time to bless me with a soulmate who truly loves me for me, and wants only me! Christmas can be tough. But thank goodness for immediate family ! God bless and Merry Christmas, just curious if you’ve found your true soulmate? Take care , Terry

Terry December 25, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Hello Mark,I so enjoy reading your emails. They are always uplifting. I’ve been single for let’s say to long ! I ask god all the time to bless me with a soulmate who truly loves me for me, and wants only me! Christmas can be tough. But thank goodness for immediate family ! God bless and Merry Christmas, just curious if you’ve found your true soulmate? Take care , Terry
Ps to feel safe in love, is a truly accurate way to express how your heart should feel! 🙂 !

Mark Ivar Myhre December 25, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Hi Terry,

no I haven’t – which kind of makes me wonder why I’m even qualified to write about the subject – but since people ask me, I do what I can to answer.

Even if I don’t know anything about the topic!

Mark Ivar Myhre December 26, 2011 at 12:03 am

and to answer your question about how long have I been looking –

I’m actually not looking. Not now anyway.

john December 25, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Maybe it’s not the stories that we attach to the desires for a soul-mate, rather it is the stories that we attach to our feelings of loneliness. I have this feeling and immediately the mind begins to create a story around this feeling in order to justify why the feeling is there as loneliness. That’s what the mind does, it tells stories. It tells stories in order to perpetuate its shelf-life by extending the duration of time and escalating intensity for the feeling to exist as me as my loneliness. When we identify ourselves as our feelings (loneliness), we suffer. I believe that suffering is not a good thing or a bad thing, it is just a thing. It is just the thing that we need to teach us something about ourselves that we have neglected to look at as an opportunity for personal growth. Maybe we suffer because we refuse to recognize that we already are what we desire to find in another. I think when we look to another to complete us, I think neglect to realize how great and wonderful we already are just the way we are. The way in which we see ourselves, with which is the only way that we can see, is to see ourselves in such a way that we love ourselves unconditionally. I believe that all love is self-love. And to love ourselves is not a choice; it is a way by which we see ourselves in total acceptance of all our humanness just the way it is. The good, the bad, and the ugly, we are all of that, and it’s o.k. because that’s what it means to be human. And it is the way in which I see my humanness that is accepted as I loving myself just the way I am. In this way, suffering surfaces in consciousness as a result of perceived resistance between the way of love and the mind’s story-telling of judgment focused towards you as love. This is only a perceived resistance because love knows no judgment. Love is our reality. Judgment is the illusion by which the appearance of separation is believed to have taken place. For what love knows, judgments can only believe. Subsequently, love is not a feeling or an emotion. It is a way of seeing ourselves without judgment, totally accepting of our humanness.
And when it comes relationships; I ask myself how this other making me feel about myself when I am in his/her presence? Because that’s all any of us can bring to the table of relationship is our presence. And yes, it is all about the feeling we get as an expression of an emotional release that becomes our human experience in relationship to the other. So it’s really not so much about how we feel about the other person, as much as it is the way with which we feel about ourselves when we see ourselves as love.

Mary Winsor December 26, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Thank you so much for being so open about your life. I have always been told by parents and others that my own openness would make me vulnerable, get me in trouble, set me up to be hurt, etc., but I feel a kindred spirit with you in reaching out to others and trying to lead by example in getting through tough times and becoming stronger for it all. Hoping 2012 will be a better year for all of us who are struggling with challenges.
Regards, Mary

Mark Ivar Myhre December 27, 2011 at 8:39 am

Thanks, Mary

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