Returning The Shame

by Mark Ivar Myhre on February 29, 2012

Might shame be an issue with you? Read this article to find out.

Have you ever felt repulsive energies inside of you that you just couldn’t seem to get rid of? If so, there’s a very good reason why you feel almost possessed by negative thoughts and emotions that won’t go away, no matter how hard you try to end them.

You could be suffering from shame that was dumped on you by someone else. Some other person tried to get rid of their garbage by getting you to take it. Which never works, by the way. You can never end the awful feelings of loathing and defectiveness by dumping it onto someone smaller and weaker than you.

In fact, it only spreads when you try this. And that’s why shame gets handed down from generation to generation. Not necessarily the physical actions, such as abuse, or even psychological abuse, but the energies behind the actions.

It’s the energies that get handed down, not the actions. Energies such as feeling not good enough, like you don’t deserve, and feeling your unworthy. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

It becomes part of the heritage and the legacy. Parents learned it from their parents, who learned it from their parents. Who learned it from your great, great grandparents.

It’s tradition, not genetic. Nobody knows where it started from. You can only know where it ends. And that’s right here with you. The ongoing and seemingly endless cycle of shame can end with you.

I’ve been a little reluctant to record a meditation on this, because it’s such an individual experience, and I can only provide a ‘universal’ audio. I finally decided there’s enough common ground to the technique, that just about everyone can benefit.


I encourage you to experiment on your own with this exercise. (Now available on the membership site.) I would suggest listening to it once or a few times, to lay the groundwork (the neurological pathways). This exercise will ‘get you there’. It blazes a trail to where your shame is located, and shows you exactly how to get rid of it.

And if you’re not sure what I’m talking about, here’s a list of articles I’ve written on the topic of shame – http://www.emotional-times.com/category/shame

Shame is the driving force behind almost all emotional problems. It’s an issue for about 90% of the people I consult with. It usually (but not always) starts early in childhood, as we soak up the energies of our parents. And I’m talking about the intensely negative energies.

Not good enough, unworthiness, fears and anxieties, intense hate and self-loathing, feelings of separation and feelings of being flawed and defective – these are all common energies that certain adults around you felt, and may have dumped on you. Overall, it creates the feeling that –

“There’s something wrong with me and I can’t be fixed.”

And little ‘ole you – being a little sponge – took on those energies.

See, you can’t just process out these energies, because they’re not yours. They belong to the offender. And they need to be returned to that offender. Or offenders – since it’s often both parents. And it doesn’t matter if they’re alive or dead at this point. Because you won’t be talking to them about it physically. That doesn’t really heal much. The healing doesn’t happen on the physical level. (Oh, if only it were that simple!)

No, it has to be done internally, in meditation. In a ‘more real’ state of consciousness. You need to close your eyes and focus and go to a certain place inside, to be able to adequately grab hold of these energies. Once you’re in touch with the energies, then you can return them to the offender. It’s easy once you know how.

The other day, someone asked me if they have to return the shame to the offender. Can’t you just turn it over to ‘the universe’? She asked because she didn’t want to put any more burdens on her abuser. I suggested that if she really wanted to use this option, then she choose an ‘unseen friend’ to take the shame from here. Cause somebody’s gotta hold the bag!


An unseen friend would be any consciousness who’s never been in physical form who has your best interest at heart. A spirit guide, a guardian angel, or whomever you feel most comfortable working with. Believe me, no matter who you are, you’ve got many unseen friends ready and eager to help you.

Nobody is so wretched that they have no unseen friends who love them unconditionally. Just remember, somebody’s gotta hold the bag. And you’re not going to hurt your unseen friend by asking them to take the shame from inside you.

Keep in mind, though, at some point it must go back to the offender. There’s no way around it. Everyone will ultimately be responsible for what they’ve done. Your unseen friend would be doing a huge disservice to that offender if they did not return the shame to its rightful owner.

The main thing, however, is you’ve got to get it out of you! And that’s what this meditation is all about. If you’d rather not deal with the abuser at this point, then in the mediation when it’s time to return the shame, you can simply ‘mentally substitute’ one of your unseen friends in the picture, to take the place of the actual offender.

Why We Resist Healing Our Shame

The main reason people don’t give back their shame, even once they know how, is not because it’s too intense or too frightening or too painful. Those are the obvious reasons, and while they may play a part in keeping you imprisoned, they aren’t the main reason.

Another slightly-less-obvious reason is because we still want to punish someone else in our lives. Sometimes, we still want to punish the actual offender, but more often we want to punish whoever is closest to us right now. So we’ll project the offender onto this other person we’re closest to, and keep our shame to punish this person. Because it’s safer than punishing the actual offender.

And another reason people won’t give up their shame is because they want the world to see what mom or dad or some other offender did to them. “Look at how I turned out.” But that’s still not the main reason why they hold onto their shame.

No, the main reason is because the shame has become too much a part of our identity. It’s who we are. “I am the person who is filled with shame.” And if I give up that shame, I won’t know who I’ll be. And that’s way more scary than the shame is painful.

So I think I’ll just stay the way I am.

Well, I’ve got a safe solution for that. It’s a meditation that’s already in the membership site, called Changing Your Self Image. It gradually shifts your self image, over time, so it’s not threatening or scary.

Because, after all, do you really want to stay imprisoned? Do you really want to stay in pain? Do you really want to let that poison fester inside you? It’s not going away by itself.

I know we tend to think the shame is keeping us safe, and it’s better to stay hidden under a rock of shame. Then nobody can ‘get us’. I know what that feeling is like. I really know!


And I also know what it’s like to be free of that prison, to end that pain, to release that poison. And I could kick myself for waiting so long to do it. It’s freaking crazy to keep the shame inside you! The only thing you could possibly be getting out of it is a false sense of security.

“I think it’s safe hiding in my shame.”

But it’s NOT safe. That shame is like a magnet that draws unsafe and unsecure things towards me. Which, sadly, makes me want to feel the shame even more, in a failed attempt to find some sort of safety and security. It’s a downward spiral.

It’s like eating more and more donuts to try to lose weight. It’s that crazy. “If I can just eat enough donuts, the weight is bound to come off.”

Listen, this is serious business. Your shame plays for keeps. It chokes you and imprisons you and slowly squeezes the life out of you. And the whole time you’re in pain.

The craziest thing of all is you never realize how wonderful it will be once you’ve given up the shame. You just can’t see it from the shame side of the fence. The shame robs you of the very wisdom and vision and perspective to see what a life without shame would be like.

I can tell you what it’s like to step out of prison. Because I’ve done it. It’s like heaven on earth. When you’re in the shame, you tend to feel like you don’t deserve to feel so good. Once you step out of it, though, you realize ‘deserve’ has nothing to do with it.

Not because you always deserve (even though you do) but because you see the power of free will, and the power of choice. It’s not a matter of deserving. It’s a matter of what you’re willing to have and do and be.

I’ve got a killer new meditation in the membership site that will show you how to give the shame that’s inside you back to its rightful owner.

Life begins where shame ends.

all the best,

Mark

Mark Ivar Myhre
The Emotional Healing Coach
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{ 18 comments }

pablo March 1, 2012 at 8:03 am

“I’ve got a killer new meditation in the membership site”
perhaps you could find a better descriptive than
‘killer meditation’.

Mark Ivar Myhre March 1, 2012 at 10:49 am

it’s a sad world when a writer must resort to old fashioned American slang to describe something, I’ll admit.

considering how I just spit these articles out and barely even read them before I put them up, perhaps what I really need to find is an editor!

Krystinna March 1, 2012 at 11:38 am

Perhaps awesome?:-)

Lillian March 1, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Why criticize one word when the message was delivered? Especially when the message is meant to help you? I suggest you try the meditation on healing the inner critical parent.

pablo March 1, 2012 at 5:44 pm

@lillian – thank you, however your message is what you call upon. the critical parent. i merely offered an observation. while i acknowledge the message, and give thanks, i am also conscious of the vibration of word-sound-language, and it’s ability to invoke a resonance often unintended, yet brought forward from subconscious, or social patterning. our common language is filled with negative thought-forms which betray intent. as a life-long meditator, a conscious spirit, and a healer, this word-mix caught me. this has nothing to do with the generous offerings mark provides. by becoming mindful of the hidden, subtle, trendy, unconscious patterning repeated socially or internally, we can become more compassionate to the reactive nature of others, transform negative mis-intentions, raise the level of over-standing, affect misunderstanding, and help raise the level of awareness through the clarification of the vibration of language. btw – i overheard dr.oz having a discourse on ayurveda, and proclaimed a healing herbal as “to die for”. in time, this will change. killer meditation is unacceptable. and this will snag any meditator. there is already too much killing. it is in fact, an oxymoron. peace.

Leslie March 1, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Hi! Mark,

I Used To Feel Shame, But With By Talking With My Friends, And Reading Your Articles, And ESPECIALLY PRAYING TO G-D, I HAVE OVERCOME MOST Of It! Thank You VERY MUCH For YOUR PART In THE HEALING PROCESS!

ALL THE BEST TO YOU,
LESLIE

Anna March 2, 2012 at 7:23 am

I think ” life long meditator” your observations say more about you that they do about the negative effect that a word might have. You kind of missed the forest for the trees -by turning your attention and analysing something negative you have managed to create negative vibrations out of something that was meant to be positive. Your comments betray the reactive nature of your character rather than the positive and accepting nature of a healer.
Care of my inner critical parent.
Anna

pablo March 2, 2012 at 7:42 am

wow. so much judgement, and personal criticisms, attacks, all sharply directed, by those who feel above and better than those things. and all for the observation of a single word. if you go back and put personal and critical judgements aside, you will see all i wrote was “perhaps you could find a better word”. and for this, i am attacked, and on a site livicated to healing. amazing. it seems every single criticism is guilty of what they claim i have put forward. i still feel “killer meditation” is an inappropriate mix of words, an oxymoron, that undermines it’s very nature. having spent many years with tibetan monks, not one of them ever spoke of a killer-meditation. good luck to you all. peace and blessings.

Anna March 2, 2012 at 8:19 am

But we are being healed! We reflect back to each other those aspects of our characters we can’t see.

pablo March 2, 2012 at 8:32 am

indeed. so let us all strive to remove the unseen negative vibrations that affect and undermine our positive intentions, and language is a critical location that bears the potential of righteous flowing. “a meal to die for” is not something i offer or consume! words reflect as well. a blessed day to all. peace.

pablo March 2, 2012 at 4:46 pm

words from a teacher –
“when speech becomes more integrated with awareness, everything you say becomes a form of spiritual practice”

patti March 3, 2012 at 6:55 pm

wow such crazy banter shame on you for criticizing mark for a killer meditation. I didnt even notice the negativity in that because I can picture him saying that in his excited and happy way he talks on video . Theres more to a word than just a spelling you know.

pablo March 4, 2012 at 1:36 pm

to all those who defend the negative vibration of language, especially when linked to it’s opposing light-filled nature, of love and wellness, thank you. is food that is offered and called “a meal to die for” different than one that is called “loving and warm”? indeed it is. and what of the other ill-conceived choices we make without being sensitive to others or the repercussions they bear? even mark wrote “it’s a sad world when a writer must resort to old fashioned American slang to describe something, I’ll admit.” again, i never criticized. i merely made an observation in a public forum. please re-read the original posts. however, i am amazed, like everything else in our current social state, that the day of opinion has degraded profoundly. this was never a discussion. it was my belief this was a forum. every single reply has called me critical and negative, thus, every single reply that does so, is in effect, guilty of what it accuses. so much judgement in a healing forum. absolutely amazing, yet so deeply symptomatic of our society and politicized climate. my prayers are for a wider vision, a deeper overstanding, a greater compassion for others, … and self. om guru vajra mantra siddhi hum. peace!

Lillian March 4, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Oh my god! Get over yourself you delusional freak! Mark was being polite about your comment. You just don’t get the humor in the way it was written. If you are SO focused on one little word that you miss even a simple hint of humor then you should just go back to living in the temple because you clearly do not understand this society. A “meal to die for” is also humorous and anyone who uses that term would be saying in humor as well. What use is all your peace-loving efforts if you can’t even appreciate humor? And what is peace without laughter? And don’t say some bullshit about clean jokes, real humor is dark. It comes from pain. So if you don’t get it, then you just don’t get it, and you should drop it and get off your preacher pedestal.

pablo March 4, 2012 at 2:16 pm

nice! name calling! it gets better. ha ha! now that IS funny!

Lillian March 4, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Thought you might finally get that one.

Tara March 5, 2012 at 3:11 pm

This is a beautiful and touching post, Mark. Thank you for taking the time to share it. I’m adding a bookmark….

Leslie March 5, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Hi! Mark,

Tara Sent You A VERY NICE POST! I LOVE THESE COMMENTS From Your Article RETURNING THE SHAME! THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR SHARING THEM WITH US!

ALL THE BEST TO YOU, LESLIE

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